So I was seeing this guy..

And he TOTALLY had a girlfriend.

I work with him and I have to look at his face every day, it’s so annoying! On top of that we decided to be “friends.” How fucked up is it to pretend to be friends with some one you miss so freaking much.

Then this morning I had an abc class at outback and who do I HAPPEN to run into in the bathroom… His girlfriend. Who is sweet, cute, and the opposite of me. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but all I could do is walk away with guilt peeling my heart apart. I feel so hurt and sad and angry and guilty and not good enough.. And then I feel that I’m better off, strong, beautiful, and worth so much more than the lies and bullshit. Now all I need is to stop thinking of him so much..

Sooooo…

I HAVE DATE TONIGHT,
an actual adult date, pretty excited, it’s just an outing for drinks but I have a right to be stoked.. And I am! Things have been going so terrible lately that it feels good that things are picking up…

Back at baileys.. Just got done closing.. I was late and I got caught texting… Major bad vibes but I made it out alive..

I also made a friend!

Hate.

I hate this. This feeling… Last night I was a winner. I went out after work to drink and have a good time and just kind of dizzy myself from my reality… And like every bad decision I make the consequences were immediate…

No telling my behavior last night, my friend was über pissed and now is full on in ignore mode, lost one of my blue moccasins, late to work and got a write up, slept through one of the rare occasions I get a phone call from my mama cita (godmom), burnt my popcorn (may not seem like a direct consequence but it led to an emotional breakdown do I’m gonna count it), and I’m just as lonely and empty as I always am.

Can I get a re-do?

Counseling

Well… Here I am.

A new door is about to open.

Rain

It’s raining a beautiful rain. Don’t get me wrong, it is a sad rain with heavy clouds and a chilly atmosphere.

This is what I feel is my soul right now. I’m not depressed, or self hating, or even going insane… I am more lost in a fog and I’m desperately trying to find my way out..

Where are you sun?

Lately.

… As of late I have learned some beneficial life lessons that will hopefully help me in my life’s journey..

1. Never be bf/gf after a couple weeks of JUST texting (Clearly I’m delusional)

2. Keep a WIDE open mind, you’ll be surprised what you can learn about yourself through new experiences.

3. Be crystal clear about when your billas are do an keep track of your money.. (recent rent scare, singlemomprobs)

4. Ummmmm.. BIG CHARLES IS NOT GONNA PAY YOU CHILD SUPPORT (You got 15 bucks last month -__-)

5. Everyone… And I mean EVERYONE Should get click wasted on their 21st birthday. (responsibly of course)

6. Cheating is never good. But I understand why you exist better now.

7. You may not think you got what it takes… Oh but baby.. You do !

I’m back tumblr :0)

Fear

Dear Tatiana,

Stop. It’s is going to be okay. You are capable, and strong, and deserving of a beautiful life. I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary when you pick up the phone and call the child support office and they tell you that there is zero dollars on your card. I know it’s hard to work forty hours a week for little pay. I know it’s hard to balance school and a two year old. I know it pains you that your son doesn’t have a father in his life. I know. But you are… Extraordinary. You haven’t given up like almost anyone going through your life would. You keep going and give it all you got. I know if may seem like I’m fading but I am in you and I’m fighting to get out. All I need is for you to make a way out. Tatiana… You got this. So suck in your tears, stop binging on food that is no good for you, stop yelling, and stop treating the people around you badly because YOU feel badly. Give it your all.. It’s worth it, I promise.

Sincerely,
Your inner strength

Day Two.

So I made it through the day without busting my calories. I started at Starbucks and It is sooo busy. I think I can start counting my shifts there as exercise since we move so fast and we don’t get frequent coffee/pastry breaks like at my old store (hallelujah). I am pooped but happy to make it through another day :0)

This time last year I was living with my dad, flunking community college, working in misery, upset about being stuck with the task of single motherhood, eating my feelings, and with no sense of what was important in life.

This year I have my own apartment, I have a new appreciation for Starbucks and its role on my life, I am on the presidents list at school (4.0 baby), I have a boyfriend who has no problem with me being a mom, I’m growing and becoming smarter with my money, I am in better shape (progress is progress right?), and I know exactly what I want and who I want to be (obviously tht may change or grow but I’m more sure than last year).


So no, I’m not as thin and I haven’t reached the fitness goal I want I reach… YET! But I have changed so much as a person. 

And THOSE.. are the measurements that matter.

This time last year I was living with my dad, flunking community college, working in misery, upset about being stuck with the task of single motherhood, eating my feelings, and with no sense of what was important in life.

This year I have my own apartment, I have a new appreciation for Starbucks and its role on my life, I am on the presidents list at school (4.0 baby), I have a boyfriend who has no problem with me being a mom, I’m growing and becoming smarter with my money, I am in better shape (progress is progress right?), and I know exactly what I want and who I want to be (obviously tht may change or grow but I’m more sure than last year).


So no, I’m not as thin and I haven’t reached the fitness goal I want I reach… YET! But I have changed so much as a person.

And THOSE.. are the measurements that matter.